Yesterday marked 14 years since the day I sobered up from my drug of choice for the final time. Today marks my 14 year sobriety date! I celebrated by going on an adventure with my family and our friends! Back to my story...
I have never truly understood why it is called my drug of choice. I didn't really choose it, it chose me. There were times when I was using that I hated this drug, yet I couldn't say no to it. The drug that captured me was crystal methamphetamine. I didn't believe marijuana was a gateway drug, because I never got caught up in the other drugs. That lasted until one time when we weren't able to make a connection to get the pot, and a friend offered to share his other drug.
I had heard of crystal meth before, but I had never thought of ever trying it. I decided to tag along, and I would make a decision when it was time for me to. I made my decision. They taught me how to take the hit, showing me step by step. I decided to take a hit. They did the work, and I inhaled the hit, and then released the smoke. The smoke was... Addicting for me.
The rush that followed was like nothing I had experienced before. It definitely was nothing like taking a hit of pot, or smoking a cigarette. This was a new, and exciting, feeling. I new that this could be dangerous for me. I liked it. I liked it a lot. Then, before I knew it, it was time to head home.
Crystal is known to bring on a sense of paranoia that everyone who looks at you must know that you have used. I could only hope it would not be noticeable by my parents. Rather than going unnoticed, the change in my demeanor was praised when I returned home. I had been quieter, and kept to myself for the most part. This day was different. I got home, and I was talking more than I had in months. It was stated that I was my old self again, in a very enthusiastic form.
That same week, it was decided that another friend and I were going to buy some of our own. We managed to get our hands on some and took a couple hits before heading to our homes. My friend didn't want to take it, and chance getting caught with it. It was thought that I was sober, and back to my old self, so it seemed to be safer for me to take it home with me.
That was the night that I learned I was not safe around meth. I was not tired, so I found ways to keep busy. I pulled all the movies off the shelves, and started organizing them. I had been known to alphabetize the movies prior to this point. I had not, up to that point, pulled the movies out of their cases to ensure that they were all facing the same direction.
As I was doing this, I had started to feel the fading effects. This was my second high ever, on meth, and I was already hooked. I took the pipe out. I looked at it. I put it back away. I went back to the movies. I couldn't concentrate. I went back over and pulled the pipe out again. I looked at it. I spun it in my fingers. I had become so hooked, I had decided that nobody would notice. I decided that one hit wouldn't hurt anything, or anyone.
There I was. Alone. Taking a hit. This was a true addiction, and it hit so much faster than I ever thought it would. I was not able to say no. I decided that I would not be getting any more once this was gone. This did not stick once it was gone. When it was gone, my body started to feel anxious that it was gone. I had to get more.
I was not on it all the time, and I went through sobering up multiple times. Each time was harder than the last. Always craving more. Terrified of coming down. Unsure of when I would get more. Not wanting more. Needing more.
Today marks 14 years of sobriety from this drug for me! While this is a date I celebrate each year, it wasn't always that way. It started with me learning how to celebrate each moment. Then it moved to each day. Followed by each week, month, and then my first year showed up. While I celebrated each week, month, and year, I still found, and find myself celebrating moments.
This year I am also celebrating with a song that gained a new meaning for me through the process of my recovery.