When I was younger, I was "teased" quite a bit. The teasing felt relentless, and it would get worse when I started to cry because of it. I could not stop myself from crying. This is why it felt like torture to me.
As the years went on, I found myself leaning towards being better off by myself. If I did make friends, they didn't stay around for long. Who would want to be friends with the girl who cries?? I found a group of people where I felt like I was accepted, and I belonged. I learned how much easier it was to numb myself with drugs, than it was to face the people who never liked me.
When it came time for me to change my entire life, I gave up the drugs, and had to stop being around the people I had used with to stay strong through the sobering up portion. When I was strong enough to be around those friends again, they no longer wanted to be around me. I was no longer the same girl I once had been.
I found myself leaning on myself again. Believing that I was better off by myself. Who needs friends anyway??
During my recovery, I was also discovering who I was as a person again. I had lost myself through the time of numbing myself. Learning about myself brought up a lot of hatred towards myself, my choices, and others. To find healing from this, and let go of the hatred, I had to learn how to forgive. I had to forgive myself. Then, I had the opportunity to forgive others.
Once I had forgiven, it led to liking, which led to loving myself. This ultimately led to trusting myself again. Trusting that I could make good choices. Trusting that I am a good person. Trusting that others could like me for me. Once I trusted myself, I got to learn how to trust others.
Trust isn't always easy for me, as I have been through abuse in multiple ways. One of the first people I had decided to start to trust, was the guy who I am now happily married to. We have our ups and downs, our good days and our bad days, but we have trust through it all. Once I had learned how to trust him, he brought into my life all of his friends.
When I decided to marry this guy, I was not only marrying him and his family. I was marrying his framily!!! This group of people have changed, some people leaving, other people entering. It is a family of friends. Getting to the place where I was able to accept friendships that are so genuine, is an amazing gift for me. It all started with forgiveness.
If you are looking for your next step in life, if you are tired of saying yes to others and then saying no to yourself, if you are tired of being angry and full of hatred, reach out. There are other people available, who have been where you are, and have been able to grow. They have been able to change their lives, like I have.
If you are wanting a kick start into this process, please join us at the retreat this November 12-15, in Southern Utah! We will be diving in deep, and walking away with the tools to keep it alive when you get back to your life!