My wedding bouquet was designed, and created, by me. I did not realize how it was going to turn out while I was ordering, and buying, all of the pieces for it. I am grateful that it was able to turn out to be what it is.
We originally got married at the courthouse for numerous reasons, including, but not limited to, the fact that I did not want to take on the stress of planning a wedding at the time that we got married. I gave myself a deadline, though. I agreed to have a full wedding ceremony, and reception, for all of our friends and family to be able to attend, for our 5 year wedding anniversary.
A lot of work went into the planning of this wedding, proving to me that I am grateful I didn't push forth for our original wedding. Finding all of the pieces for our ceremony took some time, and patience. Once I found all the pieces I would use, I then had the opportunity to put them all together.
I created a bouquet for each of the ladies in my line, a bouquet for each of the mothers, three flower baskets for my three girls, and the bridal bouquet that I would walk down the aisle with. Each set was the same. All of the bridesmaids had the same bouquet design, but they rotated between a green lighted led candle and a purple one. The bouquets for the mothers were also designed the same as each other, yet different from the bridesmaids. The three flower girl baskets were also created to be the same as each other, and yet different than the bouquets.
My bouquet was unique in the way it came together. While it had the same pieces as the others, it had a different purpose in the end. I had seen some butterflies that were glittery online, and I decided to order some. I thought they would work for the bouquets, but at the time I hadn't realized how well they were going to work. I had to order the butterflies in packages of 12. This meant that I would have extra butterflies.
Having the extra butterflies allowed my heart to create my bouquet. I had put one gold and one silver on each of the other bouquets, including the flower girl baskets. Butterflies have always had a place in my heart of representing the ones I have loved and lost. My bouquet was going to do just that.
If you know us, you know that we are a family of seven. There is my husband, Josh. The two boys he brought in with him, that I claim as mine without claiming to be their mother. The girl I brought in with me, both Josh and her got the opportunity to adopt each other. And we have created and brought into this world two more little girls. Seven is an uneven number, and while I would have made it work, my heart said it wasn't right.
Then it hit me. I needed to add another five sets of butterflies to my bouquet. These five extra sets were placed for the five known miscarriages I have had. Each one representing one of the babies that I carried for a short time before they were taken away from me. I don't know why. I may never know why. I know that there is a reason, even if I don't understand it. Each one was a unique circumstance. Each one holds a unique memory and place in my heart.
While walking down the aisle, I had our family symbolized in my bouquet. All twelve of us. There are times, like that day, when I wish they could be with us in person, rather than in spirit, however, I know that isn't possible. I know there is no way for me to turn back the clock, and change something, anything, to bring them into this world. These thoughts also bring the conflict into effect.
If I were to have had any one of these babies that didn't survive, my life wouldn't be what it is now. I wouldn't have the life I have now. I wouldn't have the children, the marriage, the me that exists today. Knowing that they cannot be with me in person isn't easy to accept, yet it is a fact that I know to be true. Wanting to go back and change what had happened, wouldn't mean that it would turn out differently.
If I had had a full term pregnancy with the first one, then the second one would not have existed. If I had had a full term pregnancy with the second one, then my firstborn baby girl would not exist today. If the third one had become a full term pregnancy, I don't know what would have become of my life. The fourth one would have caused my second born baby girl to not exist. And the fifth one, would have caused my final baby girl to not exist.
Technically, it was with the fifth one that I had decided I was done. I did not want to go through losing another baby. I was determined to fix myself so that I could no longer get pregnant. As soon as I was healed from this experience, I was going to go through the procedure to prevent this from happening ever again.
Fortunately, the moment struck before I could go through the procedure, and I ended up pregnant with my final baby girl. While she may drive me crazy some days, I couldn't, and I don't want to imagine my life without her in my life.
Wanting to go back and change a choice I had made, an action I had taken - or didn't take, an experience that I had gone through, would mean that I regretted something in my past. I already know that regrets lead to wanting to change something. Changing something, anything, would lead to a different path. Though it is challenging to continue on when you lose someone, it is necessary. To get to the life you were meant to live, you must continue on, even through the challenging moments.
I choose to not live with regrets. I choose to live with joy in my current life. I still think of those who are not with us, yet I know there is a reason for this. I live a life filled with love. Love for my husband. Love for our children. Love for our families. Love for our friends. Love for those who cannot be with us. Living a life filled with love brings me a peace and understanding that there is a reason, even though I may not understand it.