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Voiceless

I was flashing back to the bad dreams I had had growing up. The dreams where I try to scream, but I have seemingly lost my voice. No noise escapes as I open my mouth to scream. Feeling helpless. Hopeless. Trapped without a voice. No way to call out for help.

When my friend had told me I could stay the night in his room, I never expected what followed to ever have occurred. I thought we were all friends. I argued with myself when I knew this wasn't a good idea. If my friend were going to be staying home, and staying with me in his room, I would have felt okay. When he said he was leaving, I knew in my heart something wasn't right.

What was I going to do?? I was here with a friend who was not ready to leave. So, I stayed. I was drinking, among other things. There was no point in planning to leave. We were going to be staying here overnight. When it was time to go to sleep, I entered my friend's room, and laid down on his bed, which was a mattress on the floor. I fell asleep, telling myself I was crazy for thinking anything wrong was going to occur.

I was awakened by the bedroom door opening. It took my eyes a moment to focus, and see who was entering the room. At first I thought my friend had decided to come back to his room for the night. Then, I heard "shhh". My eyes started to focus. This was not my friend that belonged in this room. This was the owner of the house. Why was he entering this room?? His girl was with him. They were in his room. They had a kid together. What was he doing in here??

He climbed on top of me. No words spoken. I couldn't find my voice. It was like all those bad dreams, but this wasn't a dream. He started to have his way with me, and I couldn't stop it. I started to have an out of body experience. I felt like I was not me. I was watching this situation as it was happening. Disgusted. Embarrassed. Humiliated. Confused.

It all became a blur of motions. I was not a participant in the actions that were taking place. He had his moment of pleasure, all while I was lying there. This was not a moment of passion. This was a moment where he got what he wanted, and then he left. No words spoken. The closest to a word was the "shhh" he had made as he was entering the room, and I was waking up.

The only thing that brought me comfort in this moment was knowing I wasn't alone. I am not referring to the other people that were in the house. I am not referring to the person who was in this room with me. In that sense, I felt very alone. I am referring to my chosen higher power. My God, was with me through this experience.

How could He have been with you through that experience?? If He was with you, He wouldn't have let that happen to you...

He was with me. He comforted me through this experience. He let me know, in the moment this was happening to me, that this wasn't my fault. I did not do anything to ask for this to happen. He was sorry this was happening to me. And, one of the most valuable things I would hear during this moment, "It is him. It is not you. He is the one with the problem. This has nothing to do with you."

While I have tried to block this memory out of my mind, it comes back. I thought it was coming back to me randomly, but then I realized it is coming back for me to share it with others. I believe by sharing pieces of my story(ies) with others, they may be able to find a healing they haven't been able to find up to this point. If you are reading this, and you have experienced anything like this, know that you are not alone.

To work past the memories that haunt my past, I found my outlets. One of my outlets was my photography. I was able to find the beauty in the dark times. Looking at nature, enjoying its beauty, always reminds me that I am not alone. I wanted to be able to paint a sunset, but I knew it would never be close to what I was seeing. Photographs, I can take photographs of what I am seeing. They do not need any editing, because that would change them. They are beautiful the way they have been taken.

I encourage you to find your outlets. Ways that you can work through/past the memories that have not been the most amazing in your past. Ways for you to be able to find beauty in your dark times. Ways for the pain to hurt less.

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